All my fault!

It is hard to admit when you've been selfish. It's hard to admit you're to blame. It's hard to accept that you've done wrong for so long.
When my eyes were opened to the atrocious treatment of the animals we eat, I was shocked! I was an animal sciences major. I volunteered in slaughterhouses. I participated in meat processing. I learned all the aspects of factory farming (so I thought) and I was still in deep denial. I thought, "This is the way it has to be". The animals are okay. We eat meat, so there's no alternative.

Boy, was I wrong! When I allowed myself to feel what they felt and acknowledged that I, as a consumer, was directly responsible for their suffering, I couldn't handle it. I needed to stop supporting the torture. Intelligent, playful pigs stuck in crates so small they can't turn around - they go mad. Hens jammed packed into wire floor cages, horribly sick and dying, the cage the size of a piece of notebook paper. Chickens grown for such huge breasts that they can't walk. Turkey's skeletons can not even hold up their flesh and their pelvises split. Dairy cows' babies torn from their side the moment give birth - they moo and call until they're hoarse and broken. Bull calves of the dairy industry left to die in the pasture because they are worth nothing to the industry or they are sent to live in a veal crate, tied by their neck, kept purposely iron-deficient so their flesh is pretty pink when their infant bodies are rendered. Horses abandoned by their owners and sent on a long, traumatic journey to their horrific death.

I had to admit that the way I had been living, completely in the dark because it was emotionally easier, was not only morally wrong, but was contributing to these beautiful animals' suffering.
It's not easy changing habits.

How does this relate to my Parelli journey?

I have been in denial about my horse. It is easier to blame her 'issues' on her. If I let myself believe that she is responsible for her shenanigans, then I don't have to feel guilty.

Yesterday was one of those days when I realized that I needed to take the higher road. I needed to accept that I was responsible for Satin's fear - fear that pretended was brattiness!
Satin has been trying to tell me all these years that she's insecure. She's unconfident. And she needs me to lead her.

I went out to the pasture to visit Satin with the intention of taking her for a walk down the road. I even considered riding bareback like the old days. We used to gallop on the side of busy roads, racing the cars, bareback and free. We would ride through children-filled neighborhoods, along side walks, through puddles and retention ponds. Nothing got in our way. That was almost ten years ago now!

So I just wanted a little of what we used to have. I was having an awful day and wanted to be around my best friend.
She came to me in the pasture and immediately noticed that I had treats. She sweetly put her nose in the halter and we walked around a bit in the pasture. She stuck close to me, like usual. I tried to play some yo-yo games but she seemed a little tense. I would back her just 5 feet and she would hold her foot up, anxious. I figured since she couldn't stand still that we could work on the circling game. I quietly gave her the 'send'. She took two steps on the circle ad turned towards me, ears forward, about to walk to me. I stopped her and backed her a few steps. Anxiety again. I sent her again, a very gentle swing of the carrot stick.. . . . .

Well, she blew a cork. She galloped in a 15 foot circle for 10 laps. Asking her to stop wasn't helping. So I just stood their while she galloped full speed, around and around and around. I tried disengaging her hind quarters - she would face me, ears forward, and break to a big trot coming directly at me (very nervous and still ready to explode). For my own safety I asked her (being very soft in my requests) to stop where she was. She took that as a reprimand and galloped past me, bucking, striking.
Her ears were never pinned. She was not naughty or cocky. Fact is, she was very unconfident and frustrated. She didn't feel that she could come back to me without getting 'spanked' for not doing 'right'. She wants to please me, but I never allow her to!

It is heart wrenching to admit that I have caused this. But like the time I decided to not eat animals, I was going to take the high road, no matter what it did to my pride, knowing it is the right choice for her. It's not about me. It's about the relationship.

After an emotionally draining day this was not the type of play session I wanted. But I had time to think before writing this. Initially, right after I ended our play session, I was depressed. My horse hates me. She doesn't do anything I want her to. She won't just be calm! I stewed and the wind was long gone from my sails.

I kept hearing Parelli in my head, "How interesting" and "It's about the relationship"... I wanted to scream, "My horse is different! She's impossible!"
That's when it hit me. My horse isn't psycho. My horse's leader isn't a leader. If I were, she would follow. Simple as that.

Satin and I have a long road ahead of us. I have been tasked with showing her that I won't get mad at her. I need to show her that she's good. She needs to be rewarded for the slightest try, because she really does try hard.

I know it will be a challenge, but it is worth every tear.

So here's to accepting the blame and to a bright future.